On Shoveling Snow

Whenever I shovel snow, I think of my dad. He used to tell us "Shoveling snow builds character," (which leads me to point out that he didn't get a snow blower until most of us had moved out of the house). But in a way, I think he was right: as I was shoveling the heaviest snow of the century last week, I had a lot of time to think about "life stuff."

My dad's Birthday was two days ago. It's a strange thing to lose someone close to you. It feels like he might just be on an extended mountain biking trip. We visited the cemetery yesterday to leave some Birthday flowers, and it almost seemed silly, because really, he isn't there. Just this shell that he used to inhabit.

"Since my dad died" - I said that phrase the other day and almost caught myself crying and laughing at the same time. It's still such a weird thing to say! Honestly, it almost seems funny. It doesn't feel like he is very far away and I believe he isn't. I had an interesting dream the week after he died. In my dream, my dad was trying to call all of these people to arrange selling our condo. I started to laugh a little bit, and said something like "Dad, you can't call all of these people - you're not here anymore!" He looked at me and replied, "Just because you can't see me, it doesn't mean I can't talk to you."

I miss my dad. Especially when I am fixing something. He really could fix anything, and I  imagine he would be proud of me whenever I am successful at being the least bit handy. It's nice, because even though I am still sad, thinking about him usually just makes me happy. I remember all of the good things about him, how hard he worked for his family, how proud he was of all of us and how much he loved us. Life is very unexpected, but it is still wonderful and I still believe that through it all, we are meant to be happy.

There are some lyrics from an Ingrid Michaelson song that I think match what I am trying to say:

"Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin."

Below is a different song, it's not really related to death or dads or anything like that, but for some reason it reminds me of my dad (we went to her concert shortly after he passed away).